Peter Moore: Try these taxes on for size

Every day there is new rumour claiming that another dreadful tax will be imposed in Rachel Reeves’ autumn budget.

Of course, none of these rumours are true, yet. No one knows what taxes will be coming, not even Rachel Reeves.  What we do know is that whichever party had won the last election there would have been an increase in taxes. 

Edmund Burke in the eighteenth century said, “To tax and to please ….. is not given to men”.  The only popular tax is one that only affects others.

One trick every party tries before a budget is to “leak” out a proposed tax increase and wait for the response. If the balloon goes up the government drop the idea arguing “I’ve no idea where you got that idea from”. If one idea does not create a crisis it might be adopted.

I have a few suggestions, taxes which have not been tried and will not affect “working people”. 

The tooth fairy has been collecting teeth and paying out for years without paying a penny in tax. Perhaps a 10% tax on every £1 she leaves under a pillow.  If the tax was also applied to adult teeth it might encourage people to see a dentist. Although clearly she is working, she is not a human but a fairy and so is not a working person 

She could tax mermaids, also not a person, but this might be difficult as they swim outside our territorial waters.  

Dragons seem to have got away tax free despite contributing to global warming every time they breath out. The problem here is that any dragon tax would upset Plaid Cymru. 

Perhaps Rachel Reeves should look to some historical taxes.

In ancient Rome there was a tax on human urine introduced by both Emperors Nero and Vespasian. Urine was a popular commodity and used for tannin, laundry and even (I hope you’re not eating your tea) teeth cleaning. I will not suggest this to my dentist. The problem with this is that if South West Water cannot keep the rivers and sea clear can we trust them to collect a wee tax? For anyone with a bladder like mine we would pay tax twice on a pint of beer. 

In 1100 there was the Scutage Tax, known as the Coward Tax. A knight could avoid fighting by paying this tax. If we asked  all knights to fight or pay we would have to ask Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Elton John or Sir Cliff Richard to join the army.

Sir David Beckham may regret pushing so hard for a knighthood. If it had been an American tax in the 1970s Donald Trump would not have had to claim bone spurs. He could have avoided Vietnam by paying the coward’s tax, although he would have given it a different name.

Un 1698 Emperor Peter 1st introduced a beard tax which was adopted by Henry VIII. Anyone with a beard carried a token as proof of payment. Having a beard became a status symbol showing they could afford the tax. Today being able to pay a tax is not seen as a status symbol. If it was Rachel Reeve’s job would be much easier. 

There are rumours that she will tax larger houses but how do we decide which house should be taxed? In 1696 the government imposed a window tax. the more windows the larger the house. People avoided this tax by filling in windows, making houses dark and unhealthy. 

One tax which would affect Torbay Weekly was the Knowledge Tax, introduced in 1815. This was imposed on newspapers, as only rich people bought papers. Perhaps the poor read them online.  

In 1784 the wealthiest had numerous hats and so a Hat Tax was introduced. Today the commonest hat is the baseball cap.  I would agree to the USA taxing “Make America Great Again” hats. 

From 1100 onwards every tax tried to be progressive, taxing the rich more than the poor. What every tax achieved was to produce more loopholes to avoid payment. 

Sorry Rachel I cannot be of any more help.