Peter Moore: Why do parents get so aggressive over children's sport?

I find it depressing.

The Merton School Sport Partnership, who run sporting events for over forty primary schools in South West London have banned parents from watching their children.  The behaviour of some parents was appalling, physically impeding runners and abusing officials. Many of these officials are themselves secondary school students. Some parents were causing stress in their children by coaching them, pressurising them to win at all costs.  

Sadly, this behaviour is not confined to the London area. It affects many sports and is not new. When my children were playing football in the 1980s there were some very competitive dads, shouting from the touch line and abusing the referee. 

One dad from each side was asked to “run the line”, act as lineman. I dreaded being asked but knew I had to take my turn. I tried to be fair but also had looked up the rules. One of our players took a throw which went to one of his team.  A dad shouted “He’s offside. Can’t you see that”. The offside rule can be complicated but I did know that a player cannot be offside from a throw in. I decided that it might be more sensible to remain “professional” and not comment. How frustrating must it be for referees who know the rules in detail to be abused by people who don’t?

Our linesmen were not always right. In one match the other team were in green when a short-sighted dad waved his flag for a player who was offside. When asked who was offside he pointed to the far side of the pitch. “That’s a tree” he was told. 

On the BBC’s “Don’t tell me the score” Gary Lineker said that he has also seen poor behaviour from parents when his children were playing football.  “99.9% of what parents shout is wrong”. He even saw one dad pick his child up by the neck and shout “if you play like that you’ll never make the grade”. As Gary Lineker commented “he’ll never make the grade anyway so just chill and let him enjoy his football”.

The people who have made the grade are far less aggressive with their children, perhaps because they do not have anything to prove. I was watching a match when one of the players was the son of the England and Tottenham player Cyril Knowles, who was the Torquay United manager.

When one of his boys’ team was given offside several of the dads started shouting. Cyril turned and said quietly, “there’s four of them offside lads”. It was impossible for them to argue with a former England international who had a child on their team. 

Why do parents push their child so hard at the expense of every other child? Why are they so competitive? I wonder whether they are not as successful in their own lives as they wish or even feel they deserve. Are they trying to compensate through their children. It would also explain why Gary Lineker and Cyril Knowles disapproved of the aggressive competitive dads. They had nothing to prove. 

Some years ago I wrote a column on the same subject. When I described an aggressive dad I had someone in mind but knowing that I would see him every week and not wanting to cause offence I gave a description which would be unrecognisable. It backfired. I upset a dad who would never abuse anyone.

Why had I attacked him in the paper? I looked back at my description and realised that it did sound like him. I apologised and admitted who I was getting at. He understood but, being someone who would never have shouted abuse, he accepted my apology. 

I have also seen the problem of competitive parents at medical school. They are desperate for their son or daughter to be a doctor without asking whether it is what their child really wants. I loved my job but medicine is tough. It is not a job for anyone who was pushed into it. Tragically I also saw a suicide amongst my fellow junior doctors.

When I complained about the aggressive football Dads to a colleague who had daughters his answer was “You haven’t seen the ballet Mums have you?".