Peter Moore: A satirical peek into Torbay's 2025

At this time of year, the papers are full of predictions for 2025, but the only thing I can predict for certain is that the future is unpredictable. This time last year I did not predict that Torquay United would go into administration, and last summer I did not predict that they would be at the top of the league at Christmas. So, what will happen in 2025?

• January – Torbay council agrees with a development company to pull down Oldway Mansion to build a luxury hotel. After the building is torn down, the company announces that there is no market for a new hotel and builds houses on the site.
• February – Devon Highways decides that, instead of having notices announcing road closures, it would be easier, cheaper, and produce less paperwork to put up notices announcing when a road will be open.
• March—During research into how to level up the country civil servants in Whitehall, they discover that there is a peninsula beyond Bristol.
• April—South West Water reclassifies raw sewage as “potential fertiliser” and claims that the rivers and sea now have the advantage of “potential fertilizer.” The directors are given a large bonus as a result, but anyone with a septic tank is fined for failing to contribute.
• May—Plans are announced to dual carriageway the whole of the A303. Work is expected to begin by the end of the century and finish by 2133, provided an agreement is reached over where to move Stonehenge.
• June—There is a large demonstration at Kent’s Cavern supporting Neanderthals against the imperialist Homo sapiens. Although most Europeans have 2 per cent Neanderthal DNA, there is no evidence that Ms Neanderthal gave consent, making the behaviour of Homo sapiens even more unacceptable. They proposed special courses to make people aware of Homo sapiens privilege rather than no platform for all Homo sapiens. Unfortunately, they could not find any Neanderthals to come out in support.
• July—when pulling down Living Coasts in Torquay, workmen find Feathers McGlaw from Wallace and Grommet disguised as a chicken hiding in the penguin enclosure. He is taken to Torquay Police Station before being transferred to Paignton Zoo, where he escapes.
• August - Parking at Torbay Hospital is improved by only allowing in cars that are smaller than a Smart Car. After pressure from staff, it is agreed to build a new staff car park at Berry Head.
• September - Plans are produced to electrify the railway line from Reading down to Cornwall, but when it was realised that this was too expensive, the government decided to revive Brunel’s atmospheric railway from Dawlish to Torquay. Unfortunately, unlike in Brunel’s time, all the equipment had to be imported from China.

After another major storm, rather than rebuilding the railway line at Dawlish, it is decided to have a boat replacement service.

• October: With plans to reorganise local government, plans are put forward to create a Greater Torbay. By including Newton Abbot and Totnes and building houses between the existing towns, Greater Torbay would be larger than Exeter or Plymouth and become the main conurbation west of Bristol. The Pavilion would then be converted into the mayor’s palace.
• November—Vladimir Putin annexes Cornwall. No one in Devon objects as long as he changes their strange idea of putting jam on their scones before cream. Devonians send a message to Putin, “Where be you to, me ‘ansome” but the FSB misinterprets it as a threat and sends in troops from North Korea. Extra defences are placed along the Tamar, Devonians man the barricades, and we rewrite La Marsellaise as “Allons enfant de la pasty”.
• December—As we reach the end of 2025, regular readers of Torbay Weekly notice that my column is suddenly much better written, and, in a departure from my normal practice, some of the jokes are funny and even original. Eventually Jim Parker, the editor, admits that I have been dropped, and all my columns are now written by AI.

It is more likely that in 2025 nothing much will happen, which would be preferable.