Peter Moore: When the NHS took over Christmas

My time machine has just found a copy of a report from 2048. To celebrate the centenary of the NHS, they were given control of Christmas. Here’s the report.

“We did not use the name Father Christmas, which implied gender. There was no reason why a woman or any of the other numerous genders could not have a long white beard and go Ho Ho Ho. From now on they were called Santa.

Following the takeover by NHS management, we needed a working party and four new committees to review transport services, present acquisition, HR for the elves, and health and safety in chimneys. These proposals could only be implemented after several years and many meetings.

It was important to appoint a manager and deputy manager for each of these departments. Each deputy manager required at least three assistant deputy managers.

The transport services committee (TSC) then set up two working parties. The first was to review the environmental aspects of the sleigh. Are the reindeer releasing too much carbon dioxide? Is the sleigh made from recyclable materials, and will landing on a roof damage the snow or the solar panels?

The TSC then reviewed the role of the reindeer: Are they the best way to provide transport infrastructure? Clearly, we needed another working party.

The procurement working party then reviewed the presents. Were they appropriate, are they value for money, and should this area be outsourced? Rather than expecting the elves to make all the toys, which was clearly inefficient, we decided to outsource the buying of the toys to a large American company named after a South American river. How about “Orinoco”? This was considered appropriate as this river was named after a womble who would both appeal to children and have an important role in cleaning the environment. We could not think of another company named after a South American river.

To set up an effective HR department, we needed another working party. There were important issues to be discussed, such as should human resources include reindeer who are not human, and should we produce a no-tolerance policy towards erythronaresophobia, the clear prejudice against Rudolph’s red nose?

The health and safety committee also reviewed the sleigh itself. Where were the seat belts, and why weren’t there barriers on the sides to prevent anyone from falling out? Also, a large red cloak could easily get caught up in the chimney. Now that much of our electricity comes from wind, is there a danger that Santa might collide with a wind turbine? Was there a danger that Santa might develop a chest problem from the soot in the chimneys, even though, in 2048, all heating is electric from clean energy?

This number of committees needed coordination. We did not want the health and safety committee suggesting ideas that would contradict the TSC. This would not be treading on their toes but on their hooves. And so, we set up a coordination committee.

Unfortunately, a financial review showed that these changes were not possible within the budget. A further review by the three deputy assistant managers in the HR department concluded that they needed to cut the hours of both Santa and the elves.

They also proposed rationing of the presents, although the word rationing was never used. It was called a reorganisation. After a review of all the letters to Santa, it was decided to change some of the requests. A new PlayStation was changed to a set of tiddlywinks, and a new bike changed to a unicycle, saving money on a wheel.

By adopting these important changes, it was hoped that children could receive their presents by the spring of 2052, but this would only be possible if we set a target and put children on a waiting list.

Following this report, the government decided to set up a royal commission to review how the NHS takeover of Christmas could have been more successful.

After several years the Commission concluded that Christmas should again be run by Santa, although everyone claimed this was a new idea. Santa has the advantage that he can use magic, the best way for the NHS to improve.