Peter Moore: Santa, EV sleighs and the art of dodging Trump’s tariffs

Everything has changed since my childhood.

We have computers, emails, smart phones, Wi- Fi and cars which make inexplicable bleeps which I don’t understand. So why does Santa still carry on with his sleigh and reindeers? Why does he still look for chimneys when very few modern houses have them?

Many aspects of Christmas are based more in the nineteenth century than the twenty first. We still read “A Night before Christmas” written in 1823 by my namesake Clement C Moore, except that I’m not called Clement. I last heard it during the Carols in Kent’s Cavern this year.

We watch variations of Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol” written in 1843. Us older folks still send Christmas Cards which were first sent in 1842 although not the same cards. I do buy new ones occasionally. 1842 was also the year that the Torquay Medical Society was founded and the year the word dinosaur was invented although any link between the two is coincidental.

READ NEXT: The Torquay connection behind the world’s first Christmas card

So how can we bring Santa into the twenty first century? Why base headquarters in the North Pole? The heating bill and transport costs could be lowered by moving to Dubai or following James Dyson to Singapore.

He needs to improve his IT systems. He doesn’t even have a dedicated website, X, TikTok or Facebook page. How computer literate are the elves? Can they reach the keyboard? Rudoph must find it difficult trying to press the keys with his hooves. He could try audio typing by just speaking the words. I am not sure whether reindeer neighing would work although it might make more sense than the autocorrect on my phone.

Any letters to Santa would be read and replied to by a bot which would completely misunderstand the letter. After asking for a Barbie the letter might say, “Thank you for your letter to Santa. I have arranged for a full hairdressing salon to accompany your barber”.

He might find facial recognition useful in deciding who is naughty or nice. In keeping with Government policy Santa acts as the judge and so any decision over who is naughty or nice does not require a jury.

Could he copy Amazon with a fully automated warehouse although I am not sure that a message saying that there’s a delay and your present will be delivered between 9.00 and 13.00 hrs on 7 January would be popular.

Any attempt to copy supermarket home delivery might run into problems. “The wooden doll’s house was not available and so we have substituted a wooden spoon.”

He also needs a computer programme to bypass President Trump’s tariffs when he flies to the US. We have to hope that Santa had not said anything critical of President Trump or he might be banned. Could the Russians hack into his system and send all the presents to Moscow?

Coming down the chimney, even when there is one, is inefficient. Could he copy some of the delivery companies and throw the toys over the hedge or leave everything out in the rain. He could even leave a note saying “we ran into an issue when attempting your delivery. We will try again tomorrow” even though the whole family were in and left a sherry and a carrot.

Transport is also a problem. Reindeers release carbon dioxide when they breath and methane if they have too many Christmas sprouts. If they continue to add to global warming rather than dreaming of a white Christmas, a white Christmas may only be a dream.

An electric sleigh might help. Rather than leave a carrot for Rudolph leave an EV charging point. If he flies high enough he should avoid the new mileage charge for electric vehicles.

In this commercial world he needs to look for sponsorship. “Santa sponsored by Coca Cola” could be on the side of the sleigh. Far from being out of date were Santa and the Elves ahead of their time? Instead of going to the shops today people shop online and have everything delivered.

Santa was delivering directly to the home many years ago, even before Cliff Richard’s first Christmas single when Neanderthals lived in Kent’ Cavern. Rather than copying today’s delivery companies he should be teaching them how to use magic. He can do better than the first Christmas that only had one star.