Perhaps we are playing it too safe with Eurovision

'Embers' by James Newman failed to secure a single vote

'Embers' by James Newman failed to secure a single vote - Credit: PA

OK, enough. This weather is now beyond a joke and it’s really starting to make some of us feel miserable and very grumpy indeed.

This time last year the sun was shining, but all we could do was sit in our gardens and talk to ourselves.

I mean the big guy up there really does have a sense of humour – although I, like so many am really not finding it funny anymore. I just want to feel the sun on my skin and get a little bit of colour on my very pale face.

The other thing I don’t find funny, or entertaining or worth all the hype is the Eurovision song contest – yes, Victor Meldrew is back, and I know there are lots of you out there that love it and that’s great, personally I have never - and will never - waste a Saturday night of my life watching that show – remember time is precious at my age!

I mean, really? All that hype, weeks upon weeks of endless chat about it on the radio and then the utter disappointment, embarrassment of not getting any points. None. Zilch. Nada. A big fat zero!

I have heard the song on the radio, I didn’t know it was our Eurovision entry and I neither liked nor disliked it, it just did not make me notice it. Perhaps that was the problem. Perhaps we are playing too safe and we need to enter a song that isn’t really a song, but instead a whole load of noise.

Noise and scantily-clad people dancing about singing out of tune and banging drums like their lives depend on it.

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Perhaps then, the UK will be noticed instead of being a blinking laughing stock across Europe (and Australia).

It is the Eurovision song contest, right? Now, my geography is about as bad as it gets but even I know Australia is not in Europe.

A laughing stock that doesn’t even deserve one measly point, not one, zilch, nada, zero… Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey have got more chance of winning the Eurovision than we do and, that would be a miracle.